My Story
“From a tiny seed to a great Redwood, all great endeavors require a deliberate first step. And courage. Lots and lots of courage.”
I used to think that my early life was uniquely challenging. However, the older I get, the more I realize that my childhood was not so different from that of many people.
I was born to young parents of modest means in a mid-sized midwestern city. Although my parents did the best they could with the knowledge and resources they had, they carried unresolved wounding from their own early lives that inevitably bled onto me as I grew up. My basic needs were provided for, but my emotional needs were not. As a highly sensitive and intuitive child, the loneliness and sense of isolation created an abandonment wound that would persist for decades.
A stark dichotomy existed between my inner and outer life during my teenage years. On the outside, I was a high-achieving honors student, gainfully employed, and a very generous and doting friend. I worked extensively to be perceived as a “good girl” so that I could feel loved, valued, and accepted.
But inside, I was drowning. I hated my body, which had expanded rapidly during the years of puberty and my parents’ contentious divorce, and I felt profoundly alone. I suffered from insomnia, panic attacks, anxiety, and depression. I experienced sexual assault early on in high school, which led me to start drinking liquor at fourteen years old. Difficulties at home, feelings of self-loathing, and further harassment and abuse from men led to disordered eating, drug use, and suicide attempts.
This split within myself continued into my twenties even as I met, fell in love with, and married my husband, Paulo. I graduated from Grand Valley State University in Michigan with a Bachelor’s degree in Business Administration. I received several promotions at Barnes & Noble Booksellers, where I went from a seasonal cafe barista to a cafe manager, eventually becoming an assistant store manager. After I gave birth to our daughters at twenty-three and twenty-five years old, we bought a house.
I was trying to follow this linear path of supposed success that society had laid out for me, but my inner life was agonizing. The pressure and stress of trying to keep up with work, household chores, raising young children, nurturing my marriage, and fending off the ghosts of my past became a heavy load. Although I was a high-functioning addict, I continued to drink heavily on the weekends and was hurtling toward burnout. I used caffeine to power through my days, marijuana and wine to help me calm down and sleep at night, and I soothed myself with processed food whenever my emotions overwhelmed me.
As is the case with many stories of transformation, mine occurred because of a traumatic loss. When my grandmother died in 2014, whoever I was until that point died along with her. She was the one constant source of unconditional love and support in my early life, and I felt lost without her. I faced the choice of giving up or rebuilding, and through Grace, I chose to rebuild.
Over time, I found the courage to confess the pain of my inner landscape and to seek the help of mentors, teachers, and friends as I navigated the new territory of intentional self-care and healing. I began writing again, learned how to cook and enjoy whole foods, spent lots of time in nature, and took better care of my physical and mental health. Yoga came into my life in late 2015, and I fell in love with the practice. It helped me come alive in a way that I hadn’t felt since I was a young, wonder-filled child who believed in magic and delighted in unseen realms.
In 2016, I enrolled in a 200-hour yoga teacher training program, followed by a 300-hour training in 2018, in pursuit of this new passion for radical self-love. I began to reevaluate my interests, hobbies, and habits, choosing to redefine myself and align with life-enhancing communities and experiences. I abandoned my previous career path in favor of more time and space for myself and for what really mattered to me.
I discovered the richness and freedom of living life out loud by releasing shame, coming out from my own shadow, and boldly sharing my story and my feelings. And by doing so, I discovered that I am not alone on this path, although feeling alone is a very common sentiment shared by trauma survivors.
I now see that while the specific events that shape us in adolescence are unique and vary in their severity, we each travel through archetypal portals of separation, initiation, and, if we’re brave enough, a return to Self. Our moments of greatest despair contain the seeds of awakening to our limitlessness. The path of healing, growth, and integration is available to everyone. Personal and collective evolution is our destiny.
My intention is to offer up my vulnerability as a mirror for you to begin turning toward your own tender parts in service of your highest good. I'm not a perfect person or an enlightened being – I’m just a dedicated student on the path of the heart, committed to offering guidance to others who long to reclaim their wholeness and sovereignty, for the benefit of all beings.
Ready to write your life’s next chapter?
If you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, bored, or just need someone to hold compassionate space for you, let’s connect to see how I might be able to offer support.
